What is it about John Mayer that makes me want to write? The first single off his unreleased album (Battle Studies), "Who Says" is cool. It is quaint and sort of in a new direction. If it is anything like the rest of the album, I am really excited.
His music honestly does something to me. I feel like he says what I want to say and, even more so, what I want to hear. I want to know all of the stories behind the songs.
And I guess that is what broke me out of my non blog coma I have been in all month. Weird time- this young adulthood. Time flies without care to where it takes and leaves us. It whips us into a tizzy, making us think we have all of the time in the world and then suddenly, we slam into deadlines and responsibilities. I definitely feel like I have one foot in one world and one in another. It is dizzying some days.
I danced in the rain barefoot with my best friends a bunch lately. It is cool. And super cliche but so worth it. I also avoided both the swine flu and a cold from said barefootedness (blogspot says that's not a word... whatever it totally is) in the rain so I count that as a success. I have done decently well school-wise the last few weeks though I need to step it up for next week. It isn't a lack of time or interest but my motivation has been lacking. I have a lot cooler things to be doing than studying.... =) Not really but my friends really are awesome and I am blessed.
I also totally busted my knees Monday night. After kicking butt on a marketing test, my friend Dave and I went to his fraternity rush night to meet up with all our friends. Fast forward to 11 p.m.- I am still in my dress and heels (new snakeskin nude stilettos=love). Everyone was hanging on the porch watching a huge storm come in. We had all been listening to the thunder and catching glimpses of the lightning all night so it was fun to see it actually roll in. And at some point, after it started pouring (and I mean POURING), we realize we need to get non waterproof stuff out of Dave's truck. So he takes off running and me, in my beautiful heels, totally miss the porch steps, grab for him, miss completely, and eat concrete.
Seriously.
I feel on my hands and knees onto the sidewalk. In the pouring rain. In front of no less than 20 people.
In a dress.
So my knee looks awful and hurts like you wouldn't believe. My ankles are scraped and I picked gravel out of my palms for a day. I really felt like I was 8 years old. But no, I am a grown, balanced, classy 20 year old. Who cannot walk down stairs.
Love that.
But it was an incredibly fun night which perfectly capped off an awesome weekend. I really really really love this life. It isn't all easy or fun or running in the rain. I am, right now, wrestling with some huge life decisions but the thing is, I know it's going to work out. I trust that Someone bigger than me is in control. I just want to play my part well. So I am choosing to not worry but wrestle instead. Total difference.
Also, heard a cool new song Wednesday night. It comes from Zephaniah 3. "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Cool huh? He will quiet us with His love, He will rejoice over us through singing.
I am on my way to Houston soonish to spend the weekend with Caroline's family and I could not be more excited. I am kinda sad I haven't seen my own family in awhile but this is the next best thing. We just decided we needed out of Waco and into somewhere, well, less crazy. Long story. But it is going to be great and I am thankful for their hospitality and generosity.
Happy weekend and sorry this has been random but, that's just how my brain works.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
my story
I am an intense person. I come by it naturally, though.
I did not chose to be this way- it happened.
Countless times, I have scared people upon meeting them. I have been overexcited. I have been "bouncy." I have been too loud. Using my inside voice is still a moment by moment challenge. I am over the top. I get out of control. I get excited.
Like I said, intense.
But this intensity is a part of who I am. I cannot change it and I am beginning to understand what it means that I was made this way. Created. On purpose. I was formed and given this intensity, and all sorts of other questionable characteristics, for a reason.
They are all a part of my story.
In a nutshell, I am the oldest daughter of two parents who love me more than I can understand. I have two sisters who crack me up and love me at my worst. I have an extended family that surrounds me with love and attention, who listens to my crazy stories, laughs at my terribly unfunny jokes, and prays for me when I'm out of sight.
They are all a part of this too- my story.
I am a student who tries too hard sometimes and is easily disappointed by my performance. I am a friend to some of the greatest people on this planet- both close and far away. They refine me and teach me.
They are eternally in my story too.
Even the people who broke me are in there. The ones who pointed me towards things I should have run from. The people who hurt me, ignored me, backed away are all a crucial part of this story. They are in this too, even though I hate it.
This story of mine has a lot of errors. There is so much I wish I could change. So many people I wish I could erase out of it completely. This story spans a lot of time and space. A lot of back and forth. It encompasses the last few years and whatever tomorrow brings. I forget a lot of it because I'm not proud of a lot of it. But it's all there. Every last detail. Every fiber of my being has been wound up in this story.
Some days, this story is boring. It is uneventful and dishonest in nature. Other days, this story seems to be on hold. But other days, when I see myself as created, this story matters. There is so much else to it, so much else still to come.
Maybe I will work on being more honest and learn to tell my story in the next few weeks- in more than generalizations and "nutshells." I think there are 2, maybe 3 people (excluding family) who know the whole of it. Because it's hard to be honest and vulnerable. Because a lot of the time, my intensity leads to isolation. I try not to get to that point but there are days when I need to burn off energy by turning inwards. The problem lies when that inward reflection turns into some serious self scrutiny. That's bad. That's when you need community.... I digress.
So that's what I wanted to share today. For whatever reason, I have been feeling uncharacteristically chill and calm lately so I wanted to go ahead and call myself out for being too intense, too over the top, too much.
There it is, I like being the center of attention and the life of the party. I cannot hate that about myself. I can learn to channel it into a better, more constructive form of intensity.
The end.
I did not chose to be this way- it happened.
Countless times, I have scared people upon meeting them. I have been overexcited. I have been "bouncy." I have been too loud. Using my inside voice is still a moment by moment challenge. I am over the top. I get out of control. I get excited.
Like I said, intense.
But this intensity is a part of who I am. I cannot change it and I am beginning to understand what it means that I was made this way. Created. On purpose. I was formed and given this intensity, and all sorts of other questionable characteristics, for a reason.
They are all a part of my story.
In a nutshell, I am the oldest daughter of two parents who love me more than I can understand. I have two sisters who crack me up and love me at my worst. I have an extended family that surrounds me with love and attention, who listens to my crazy stories, laughs at my terribly unfunny jokes, and prays for me when I'm out of sight.
They are all a part of this too- my story.
I am a student who tries too hard sometimes and is easily disappointed by my performance. I am a friend to some of the greatest people on this planet- both close and far away. They refine me and teach me.
They are eternally in my story too.
Even the people who broke me are in there. The ones who pointed me towards things I should have run from. The people who hurt me, ignored me, backed away are all a crucial part of this story. They are in this too, even though I hate it.
This story of mine has a lot of errors. There is so much I wish I could change. So many people I wish I could erase out of it completely. This story spans a lot of time and space. A lot of back and forth. It encompasses the last few years and whatever tomorrow brings. I forget a lot of it because I'm not proud of a lot of it. But it's all there. Every last detail. Every fiber of my being has been wound up in this story.
Some days, this story is boring. It is uneventful and dishonest in nature. Other days, this story seems to be on hold. But other days, when I see myself as created, this story matters. There is so much else to it, so much else still to come.
Maybe I will work on being more honest and learn to tell my story in the next few weeks- in more than generalizations and "nutshells." I think there are 2, maybe 3 people (excluding family) who know the whole of it. Because it's hard to be honest and vulnerable. Because a lot of the time, my intensity leads to isolation. I try not to get to that point but there are days when I need to burn off energy by turning inwards. The problem lies when that inward reflection turns into some serious self scrutiny. That's bad. That's when you need community.... I digress.
So that's what I wanted to share today. For whatever reason, I have been feeling uncharacteristically chill and calm lately so I wanted to go ahead and call myself out for being too intense, too over the top, too much.
There it is, I like being the center of attention and the life of the party. I cannot hate that about myself. I can learn to channel it into a better, more constructive form of intensity.
The end.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
laughing
is truly the best medicine/stress reliever/refresher/eye opener/ever.
i adore this life. it is not easy though. but it is funny.
really, the second i start taking myself too seriously or being too worried, karalee opens a door on my foot and i laugh for 2 days about it. or collin cracks me up by calling me annoying because i study too much. or my mom calls me to tell me about a family reunion. i laugh and the rest of the world fades a little bit. caroline and her cat cuddle up for a nap and i just grin because she is so great. you gotta see the humor in life or it's miserable. i'm busy already. but the opportunities i have here are unbeatable. i will never ever get to live this life just like this with just these people ever again. it is priceless. i ache for its passing already. this time is fleeting so i am grasping at every moment, running towards the joy with open arms.
and, oh, what a big smile i have been wearing. bruised foot, tired eyes, anxious mind and all. i smile because i am blessed by school, church, family, friends, sisters.
now i must go clean the battery acid off my hands.... another story for another time.
also- HEY MOLLY !! (haaa don't mention this in real life, ok?) =)
i adore this life. it is not easy though. but it is funny.
really, the second i start taking myself too seriously or being too worried, karalee opens a door on my foot and i laugh for 2 days about it. or collin cracks me up by calling me annoying because i study too much. or my mom calls me to tell me about a family reunion. i laugh and the rest of the world fades a little bit. caroline and her cat cuddle up for a nap and i just grin because she is so great. you gotta see the humor in life or it's miserable. i'm busy already. but the opportunities i have here are unbeatable. i will never ever get to live this life just like this with just these people ever again. it is priceless. i ache for its passing already. this time is fleeting so i am grasping at every moment, running towards the joy with open arms.
and, oh, what a big smile i have been wearing. bruised foot, tired eyes, anxious mind and all. i smile because i am blessed by school, church, family, friends, sisters.
now i must go clean the battery acid off my hands.... another story for another time.
also- HEY MOLLY !! (haaa don't mention this in real life, ok?) =)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I Like The Word Reconcile
I know- I am skipping over the last 3 weeks of my life. Long story short- I moved back to college and had a good time. Now I have class and obligations and work and blah blah blah.
Moving on, I learned a new word. Now, obviously, I have heard and used the word before, being that I am not a complete idiot. I just think I am understanding it in a new light. I am more aware of what it means and looks like in life. I have been dwelling on it incessantly today. And I didn't know why. Or maybe still don't. But I know it means something.
Reconcile. Reconcilliation.
Honestly, I could not have given you a clear definition 3 days ago. So I looked it up and was taken aback.
a. to cause a person to accept or be resigned to something not desired
b. to win over to friendliness
c. to compose or settle
d. to bring into agreement or harmony
e. to reconsecrate
f. to restore
Very interesting.
I have really been wrestling with a few things lately. A lot of my worry comes from the fact that my actions don't always match my thoughts. I say things I don't mean. I go places I dislike. And it goes unnoticed too much of the time. My struggle has been to reconcile what I think I want with how things really are. A lot has been lost in that battle. Because it is more difficult than it looks. To match your walk with your talk is unbelievably challenging.
I don't reconcile well. I live a double life too much of the time. I do not integrate the aspects of my life well. I am afraid of it all falling apart when all the pieces are together. I am afraid it won't fit together like I imagined. Honestly, I'm afraid I won't fit. I don't have a lot of harmony in my life. I have a school life, a work life, a sorority life, a friends life, a roommate life, a family life, a dating life, a spiritual life. It is a constant juggling act to divide my time fairly. But, in the process, I feel as though I may have divided my heart. I have shared too much of it with some, not enough with others. I am no longer the sole owner of my heart and emotions. I gave it to the wrong things. I see it now. And I must restore this. I know where it belongs. I know who it belongs to. But taking it back is wrenching. Untangling myself from people I gave too much to seems impossible. They aren't bad people- they just aren't it. Not anymore, maybe not ever. I need to reconcile myself. I need to reconsecrate myself and my life. I know I need to. It just isn't clear how.
Is this going to break my heart?
Moving on, I learned a new word. Now, obviously, I have heard and used the word before, being that I am not a complete idiot. I just think I am understanding it in a new light. I am more aware of what it means and looks like in life. I have been dwelling on it incessantly today. And I didn't know why. Or maybe still don't. But I know it means something.
Reconcile. Reconcilliation.
Honestly, I could not have given you a clear definition 3 days ago. So I looked it up and was taken aback.
a. to cause a person to accept or be resigned to something not desired
b. to win over to friendliness
c. to compose or settle
d. to bring into agreement or harmony
e. to reconsecrate
f. to restore
Very interesting.
I have really been wrestling with a few things lately. A lot of my worry comes from the fact that my actions don't always match my thoughts. I say things I don't mean. I go places I dislike. And it goes unnoticed too much of the time. My struggle has been to reconcile what I think I want with how things really are. A lot has been lost in that battle. Because it is more difficult than it looks. To match your walk with your talk is unbelievably challenging.
I don't reconcile well. I live a double life too much of the time. I do not integrate the aspects of my life well. I am afraid of it all falling apart when all the pieces are together. I am afraid it won't fit together like I imagined. Honestly, I'm afraid I won't fit. I don't have a lot of harmony in my life. I have a school life, a work life, a sorority life, a friends life, a roommate life, a family life, a dating life, a spiritual life. It is a constant juggling act to divide my time fairly. But, in the process, I feel as though I may have divided my heart. I have shared too much of it with some, not enough with others. I am no longer the sole owner of my heart and emotions. I gave it to the wrong things. I see it now. And I must restore this. I know where it belongs. I know who it belongs to. But taking it back is wrenching. Untangling myself from people I gave too much to seems impossible. They aren't bad people- they just aren't it. Not anymore, maybe not ever. I need to reconcile myself. I need to reconsecrate myself and my life. I know I need to. It just isn't clear how.
Is this going to break my heart?
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
The Realization
As I get older, my vision changes. It distorts situations. It fades memories and people. It straightens the curves I thought were permanent. Everything looks different than it used to. Even a year ago feels far away and distant. I do believe that is the oddest part about being this age. Everything is in transition, always. Nothing stays the same for too long. People go from close to far back to close to strangers in a few months. Passions burn themselves out. Lines are blurred far more often than they used to be. Circles of influence change, envelop you, protect you, then burst. It is an exciting, first time feeling all the time. Some days, I don't know how much more I can love everyone and everything before my heart just explodes. And other days, I miss familiar so much it aches. I crave certain people who are gone so much, I could just lose it all.
It is so often a painful realization that not everything is how it seems to be or how it used to be. You will, undoubtedly, love someone that doesn't love you back. You will have to block them out. You will do something really stupid and reckless. Then, you'll have to bury it deep down inside yourself because it's too unflattering to let anyone see, even the closest of friends. You will forget to breath when someone walks in. You'll fake cough your way through it. You'll fall for your best friend and look up 2 years later and wonder how it all happened. It is the longest 2 years yet you will wish you could press pause and have them close to you for one more second. You realize more about who you are at 3am than at any other point in your life. You realize how much you need others when you are surrounded by space and time. You will realize that this life is painful and that growing up is not beautiful nor glamorous.
It is all over dramatic and stretched out. It is hard and easy, careless and carefully planned. It is a demonstration in opposites and contradictions, all day. Nothing goes the way I want but if I can learn to roll with the punches, I will survive. I will thrive. I can. Smile through it- it might help. Milestones will go unnoticed. It is strange. I will sidestep around people, situations, moments that scare me. I will shuffle through the emptiness and the chaos. I will hold hands through all the best lines. I will sway with the rhythm of tradition and step off beat with newness. But, one day soon, it will be a brilliant dance that goes perfectly with the music. I just don't know the steps yet nor the song. The realization is that I don't know everything or anything about my dance. Not yet.
It is so often a painful realization that not everything is how it seems to be or how it used to be. You will, undoubtedly, love someone that doesn't love you back. You will have to block them out. You will do something really stupid and reckless. Then, you'll have to bury it deep down inside yourself because it's too unflattering to let anyone see, even the closest of friends. You will forget to breath when someone walks in. You'll fake cough your way through it. You'll fall for your best friend and look up 2 years later and wonder how it all happened. It is the longest 2 years yet you will wish you could press pause and have them close to you for one more second. You realize more about who you are at 3am than at any other point in your life. You realize how much you need others when you are surrounded by space and time. You will realize that this life is painful and that growing up is not beautiful nor glamorous.
It is all over dramatic and stretched out. It is hard and easy, careless and carefully planned. It is a demonstration in opposites and contradictions, all day. Nothing goes the way I want but if I can learn to roll with the punches, I will survive. I will thrive. I can. Smile through it- it might help. Milestones will go unnoticed. It is strange. I will sidestep around people, situations, moments that scare me. I will shuffle through the emptiness and the chaos. I will hold hands through all the best lines. I will sway with the rhythm of tradition and step off beat with newness. But, one day soon, it will be a brilliant dance that goes perfectly with the music. I just don't know the steps yet nor the song. The realization is that I don't know everything or anything about my dance. Not yet.
Monday, August 03, 2009
selfishly,
i have said too much. i have done too little. i have listened carelessly. i have gone to sleep. i have turned my head away. i have forced you out
i haven't tried. i haven't reached. i haven't told the truth. i haven't been bold. i haven't done what i know you ask of me, what i was placed here to do.
and the crazy thing is, you let me choose.
me. selfish me. reckless me. easily excited me. you let me choose how to behave, how to love, how to care. you let me choose to walk away. you knew it before it all happened. you loved me knowing how i would act.
how incredible. thank you for the continued chances. i don't deserve it but i would like to try to act as though i can earn it. thank you for the times when i haven't been right. keep humbling me. show me ways to deny myself in order to serve others. keep convicting me. keep placing certain people in my life to challenge and stretch me. i need it. keep working here for i am unworthy and dark. be light in me.
oh and blogspot, i swear if i have to sign in one more time.....don't make me come up there.
i haven't tried. i haven't reached. i haven't told the truth. i haven't been bold. i haven't done what i know you ask of me, what i was placed here to do.
and the crazy thing is, you let me choose.
me. selfish me. reckless me. easily excited me. you let me choose how to behave, how to love, how to care. you let me choose to walk away. you knew it before it all happened. you loved me knowing how i would act.
how incredible. thank you for the continued chances. i don't deserve it but i would like to try to act as though i can earn it. thank you for the times when i haven't been right. keep humbling me. show me ways to deny myself in order to serve others. keep convicting me. keep placing certain people in my life to challenge and stretch me. i need it. keep working here for i am unworthy and dark. be light in me.
oh and blogspot, i swear if i have to sign in one more time.....don't make me come up there.
Welcome
August!
I am happy you are here. You bring change and new. You mean the end of home, of summer, of old. You are the end of something but the beginning of something else.
It is exciting to be on the brink of the new school year. Mostly, it is exciting to know what is going on with college, know what is expected of you, know where to go (and not go), know how to work the system, know who you are- there.
Tonight, as my mind wanders from to-do list to anxieties to anticipation to tiredness, I want to remember this little moment. This moment "in between." The inhale right before the real breathing begins. I want to hold onto it. I don't want to rush through the next few days and weeks. This is a precious time. I am grateful to be here now and to be there soon. It is a blessing I never thought I would see.
So, August, welcome. Maybe you will see more posts.
But....
maybe now.
I am happy you are here. You bring change and new. You mean the end of home, of summer, of old. You are the end of something but the beginning of something else.
It is exciting to be on the brink of the new school year. Mostly, it is exciting to know what is going on with college, know what is expected of you, know where to go (and not go), know how to work the system, know who you are- there.
Tonight, as my mind wanders from to-do list to anxieties to anticipation to tiredness, I want to remember this little moment. This moment "in between." The inhale right before the real breathing begins. I want to hold onto it. I don't want to rush through the next few days and weeks. This is a precious time. I am grateful to be here now and to be there soon. It is a blessing I never thought I would see.
So, August, welcome. Maybe you will see more posts.
But....
maybe now.
Friday, July 31, 2009
dear blogspot, it's me, sarah
How I have missed you, old friend. I intended to sit down and write for a spell tonight, to catch you up on life as I see it. I wanted to see how you were and spend some quality time together. It was a priority for me, dear blogspot. I truly wanted to.
But then, you made me sign in.
Six times.
After I specifically clicked "remember me."
I thought you were different. I thought you would remember me and my password. I thought you weren't like the others who made me constantly log in. I so desperately wanted this to be different. How could you forget me? How could you forget this- this beautiful little life we've made together.
I just don't know that I can move past this. Was someone else here? Did you let them log in painlessly? Did you save them the keystrokes? I'm too confused to even make a decision tonight, blogspot. Just give me some space. And time.
Don't email me updates for awhile. Don't bother being my homepage. Don't call. Don't text.
It's not me, it's you.
forgetmenot,
sarah
But then, you made me sign in.
Six times.
After I specifically clicked "remember me."
I thought you were different. I thought you would remember me and my password. I thought you weren't like the others who made me constantly log in. I so desperately wanted this to be different. How could you forget me? How could you forget this- this beautiful little life we've made together.
I just don't know that I can move past this. Was someone else here? Did you let them log in painlessly? Did you save them the keystrokes? I'm too confused to even make a decision tonight, blogspot. Just give me some space. And time.
Don't email me updates for awhile. Don't bother being my homepage. Don't call. Don't text.
It's not me, it's you.
forgetmenot,
sarah
Sunday, July 26, 2009
new
It has been too long. I know, I know. I have been in and out, distracted and bored, busy and tired. A lot of things fell by the wayside the last couple of weeks. My sincerest apologies to the two-and-a-half people who read this. =)
I have been working a lot the last few weeks, trying to save every penny I have for school. My job is less than desirable but it keeps me accountable for my attitude. When I get to work, I literally say out loud (in the car- the kids already think I'm nuts- talking to myself would put me over the edge to them) "Self- put a smile on, stay patient, and love these kids." When I have a good attitude, my day is (mostly) pleasant and I know I am loving those crazy children as best as I can. When I'm selfish or tired or grouchy, I count-down the minutes to 6 starting at noon. It is miserable. It's been an object lesson on the power of attitude. Thanks God- you know I needed that.
I also counseled at Cornerstone 2 weeks ago. Awesome week. I am so thankful for my group of kids- they made it incredible! My girls were so well behaved and funny and my boys were a riot. I loved every second of it. Again, I learned more than they did. Is it odd I miss them?
Right now, my furniture for my townhome/apartment/condo/house thing is drying in the garage after a coat of black paint. It will eventually have a light greenish (almost mint!!) color on top of it. I have really enjoyed picking it out, deciding how I want it to look, and going for it. It is quite rewarding to see a vision all the way through to completion. I wish more things worked out like that but Lord knows where that would take me. I have some of the dumbest, most outrageous ideas of how life should be. It is better that my plan, my idea rarely wins out.
I have right at a month to pick a major. I was talking to Collin about it last night ( I think??) and I realized that the job aspect of life does not scare me at all. I am not intimidated by seeking and finding jobs I enjoy- I just can't decide on a major. Everything feels like it is tying my down and closing many doors of opportunity. I hate it. But God, in His merciful way of guiding me, has really taken the fear and anxiety away. I no longer feel desperate or timid. I feel more empowered than I have in a long time. So that is good but now it's crunch time. Economics and Public Administration? We'll see.
Tonight, Collin and I went on a real live date. We were trying to think of the last time that happened and honestly, it was depressing so we stopped counting backwards. We hardly ever see each other and, when we do, it is usually for an event, concert, something so there is no time to just sit and enjoy each other. So we ate dinner at this awesome Thai restaraunt we used to meet at last summer on our too short lunch breaks. Then, we went to see Away We Go (with Jim from The Office). Every now and then, we see a preview for a movie we want to see and we wait to see it with each other. So this movie has been out for a good while but we waited to see it with each other. It was mostly delightful and quirky but more than anything, it was just fun to see it together. I really do miss that kind of thing. Just hanging out, casually. Not for a specific purpose or tightly scheduled activities. So Collin- you are the best date a girl could ask for- except your over dramatic door opening thing- it's overkill... =)
I feel selfish blogging. I always think that right before I post something. How many times have I used "I"? Too many. Ugh. Tension.
on that note- if you want to see faith and trust being played out in a very real way, visit prayforkate.com . This little girl is battling a brain tumor and her parents are being extremely bold in their prayer requests for their family. It is so humbling and incredible to see them praying for a FULL and complete recovery - because they know and truly truly believe our God can. They are confident that He is mighty to save.
For tonight, that's all.
I have been working a lot the last few weeks, trying to save every penny I have for school. My job is less than desirable but it keeps me accountable for my attitude. When I get to work, I literally say out loud (in the car- the kids already think I'm nuts- talking to myself would put me over the edge to them) "Self- put a smile on, stay patient, and love these kids." When I have a good attitude, my day is (mostly) pleasant and I know I am loving those crazy children as best as I can. When I'm selfish or tired or grouchy, I count-down the minutes to 6 starting at noon. It is miserable. It's been an object lesson on the power of attitude. Thanks God- you know I needed that.
I also counseled at Cornerstone 2 weeks ago. Awesome week. I am so thankful for my group of kids- they made it incredible! My girls were so well behaved and funny and my boys were a riot. I loved every second of it. Again, I learned more than they did. Is it odd I miss them?
Right now, my furniture for my townhome/apartment/condo/house thing is drying in the garage after a coat of black paint. It will eventually have a light greenish (almost mint!!) color on top of it. I have really enjoyed picking it out, deciding how I want it to look, and going for it. It is quite rewarding to see a vision all the way through to completion. I wish more things worked out like that but Lord knows where that would take me. I have some of the dumbest, most outrageous ideas of how life should be. It is better that my plan, my idea rarely wins out.
I have right at a month to pick a major. I was talking to Collin about it last night ( I think??) and I realized that the job aspect of life does not scare me at all. I am not intimidated by seeking and finding jobs I enjoy- I just can't decide on a major. Everything feels like it is tying my down and closing many doors of opportunity. I hate it. But God, in His merciful way of guiding me, has really taken the fear and anxiety away. I no longer feel desperate or timid. I feel more empowered than I have in a long time. So that is good but now it's crunch time. Economics and Public Administration? We'll see.
Tonight, Collin and I went on a real live date. We were trying to think of the last time that happened and honestly, it was depressing so we stopped counting backwards. We hardly ever see each other and, when we do, it is usually for an event, concert, something so there is no time to just sit and enjoy each other. So we ate dinner at this awesome Thai restaraunt we used to meet at last summer on our too short lunch breaks. Then, we went to see Away We Go (with Jim from The Office). Every now and then, we see a preview for a movie we want to see and we wait to see it with each other. So this movie has been out for a good while but we waited to see it with each other. It was mostly delightful and quirky but more than anything, it was just fun to see it together. I really do miss that kind of thing. Just hanging out, casually. Not for a specific purpose or tightly scheduled activities. So Collin- you are the best date a girl could ask for- except your over dramatic door opening thing- it's overkill... =)
I feel selfish blogging. I always think that right before I post something. How many times have I used "I"? Too many. Ugh. Tension.
on that note- if you want to see faith and trust being played out in a very real way, visit prayforkate.com . This little girl is battling a brain tumor and her parents are being extremely bold in their prayer requests for their family. It is so humbling and incredible to see them praying for a FULL and complete recovery - because they know and truly truly believe our God can. They are confident that He is mighty to save.
For tonight, that's all.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Hope > Quitting
I am so stinking stubborn. I don't shake it off. I don't let it go. I am too wrapped up in all I don't do- not what I can do. I shut down. I don't want to talk. I want to hang up, to walk away. I want to seclude and isolate myself because it seems impossible. The issues are too big. They run too deep. There seems to be no solution. I let myself remember that. I have given up hope in too many ways. How sad.
It is harder than I thought. I allowed all these outside issues to come in. I opened up the floodgates of criticism and haven't found my footing since. You said I had a bad attitude 98% of the time. When did that happen? I was not always that person. You never used to make me this mad. When did that start? What is this? I have not been this anxious or worried in so long. We are not perfect but we are here. This is where we are. Let's get the heck out of this phase please.
We say all the right words. I know what to say to ease your fears and everyone else's. Let's please stop pretending. We are all broken together. We screw up. We fall off. We do things we never ever thought we would. We are changing. Hopefully we are growing. I am chasing so many pipe dreams that I don't even know where I started. I talk in circles. We second guess each other. We say too much. We go too soon. We don't pick up where we left off. We lose faith. We hold strife. We aren't enough.
What is?
It is harder than I thought. I allowed all these outside issues to come in. I opened up the floodgates of criticism and haven't found my footing since. You said I had a bad attitude 98% of the time. When did that happen? I was not always that person. You never used to make me this mad. When did that start? What is this? I have not been this anxious or worried in so long. We are not perfect but we are here. This is where we are. Let's get the heck out of this phase please.
We say all the right words. I know what to say to ease your fears and everyone else's. Let's please stop pretending. We are all broken together. We screw up. We fall off. We do things we never ever thought we would. We are changing. Hopefully we are growing. I am chasing so many pipe dreams that I don't even know where I started. I talk in circles. We second guess each other. We say too much. We go too soon. We don't pick up where we left off. We lose faith. We hold strife. We aren't enough.
What is?
Thursday, July 02, 2009
sell out
I have totally sold out to Twitter.
Don't judge me. I swear it is fun. Currently, I enjoy Twitter wayyy more than dumb Facebook. So whatever, i heart twitter.
It is almost a holiday weekend. This time a year ago, I was an intern helping set up for 4th of July festivities. All the interns had to do the manual labor in both setting up and tearing down. Well, the boys had to do manual labor. Us girls decorated with those annoying little confetti bags and streamers. And twirly American flags. Real classy stuff. And once the partay was over, we got to go home.
Fast forward one year. Tomorrow- I will be working until approximately 6:06 when parents decide to come get their kids from daycare. So I will be spending my 4th of July eve sweating in the Texas sun, handing out popsicles, explaining AGAIN that playdoh is an inside toy, pulling kids out of the broken wagon, yelling to get off the top of the swing, get away from the fence, don't shove, don't run, stop fighting, don't say mean words, and the list goes on.
Nothing more patriotic than tired children in the summer sun.
Happy Fourth =)
Don't judge me. I swear it is fun. Currently, I enjoy Twitter wayyy more than dumb Facebook. So whatever, i heart twitter.
It is almost a holiday weekend. This time a year ago, I was an intern helping set up for 4th of July festivities. All the interns had to do the manual labor in both setting up and tearing down. Well, the boys had to do manual labor. Us girls decorated with those annoying little confetti bags and streamers. And twirly American flags. Real classy stuff. And once the partay was over, we got to go home.
Fast forward one year. Tomorrow- I will be working until approximately 6:06 when parents decide to come get their kids from daycare. So I will be spending my 4th of July eve sweating in the Texas sun, handing out popsicles, explaining AGAIN that playdoh is an inside toy, pulling kids out of the broken wagon, yelling to get off the top of the swing, get away from the fence, don't shove, don't run, stop fighting, don't say mean words, and the list goes on.
Nothing more patriotic than tired children in the summer sun.
Happy Fourth =)
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