busted knees, late nights, and john mayer

What is it about John Mayer that makes me want to write? The first single off his unreleased album (Battle Studies), "Who Says" is cool. It is quaint and sort of in a new direction. If it is anything like the rest of the album, I am really excited.

His music honestly does something to me. I feel like he says what I want to say and, even more so, what I want to hear. I want to know all of the stories behind the songs.

And I guess that is what broke me out of my non blog coma I have been in all month. Weird time- this young adulthood. Time flies without care to where it takes and leaves us. It whips us into a tizzy, making us think we have all of the time in the world and then suddenly, we slam into deadlines and responsibilities. I definitely feel like I have one foot in one world and one in another. It is dizzying some days.

I danced in the rain barefoot with my best friends a bunch lately. It is cool. And super cliche but so worth it. I also avoided both the swine flu and a cold from said barefootedness (blogspot says that's not a word... whatever it totally is) in the rain so I count that as a success. I have done decently well school-wise the last few weeks though I need to step it up for next week. It isn't a lack of time or interest but my motivation has been lacking. I have a lot cooler things to be doing than studying.... =) Not really but my friends really are awesome and I am blessed.

I also totally busted my knees Monday night. After kicking butt on a marketing test, my friend Dave and I went to his fraternity rush night to meet up with all our friends. Fast forward to 11 p.m.- I am still in my dress and heels (new snakeskin nude stilettos=love). Everyone was hanging on the porch watching a huge storm come in. We had all been listening to the thunder and catching glimpses of the lightning all night so it was fun to see it actually roll in. And at some point, after it started pouring (and I mean POURING), we realize we need to get non waterproof stuff out of Dave's truck. So he takes off running and me, in my beautiful heels, totally miss the porch steps, grab for him, miss completely, and eat concrete.

Seriously.

I feel on my hands and knees onto the sidewalk. In the pouring rain. In front of no less than 20 people.

In a dress.

So my knee looks awful and hurts like you wouldn't believe. My ankles are scraped and I picked gravel out of my palms for a day. I really felt like I was 8 years old. But no, I am a grown, balanced, classy 20 year old. Who cannot walk down stairs.

Love that.

But it was an incredibly fun night which perfectly capped off an awesome weekend. I really really really love this life. It isn't all easy or fun or running in the rain. I am, right now, wrestling with some huge life decisions but the thing is, I know it's going to work out. I trust that Someone bigger than me is in control. I just want to play my part well. So I am choosing to not worry but wrestle instead. Total difference.

Also, heard a cool new song Wednesday night. It comes from Zephaniah 3. "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Cool huh? He will quiet us with His love, He will rejoice over us through singing.

I am on my way to Houston soonish to spend the weekend with Caroline's family and I could not be more excited. I am kinda sad I haven't seen my own family in awhile but this is the next best thing. We just decided we needed out of Waco and into somewhere, well, less crazy. Long story. But it is going to be great and I am thankful for their hospitality and generosity.

Happy weekend and sorry this has been random but, that's just how my brain works.

my story

I am an intense person. I come by it naturally, though.

I did not chose to be this way- it happened.

Countless times, I have scared people upon meeting them. I have been overexcited. I have been "bouncy." I have been too loud. Using my inside voice is still a moment by moment challenge. I am over the top. I get out of control. I get excited.

Like I said, intense.

But this intensity is a part of who I am. I cannot change it and I am beginning to understand what it means that I was made this way. Created. On purpose. I was formed and given this intensity, and all sorts of other questionable characteristics, for a reason.

They are all a part of my story.

In a nutshell, I am the oldest daughter of two parents who love me more than I can understand. I have two sisters who crack me up and love me at my worst. I have an extended family that surrounds me with love and attention, who listens to my crazy stories, laughs at my terribly unfunny jokes, and prays for me when I'm out of sight.

They are all a part of this too- my story.

I am a student who tries too hard sometimes and is easily disappointed by my performance. I am a friend to some of the greatest people on this planet- both close and far away. They refine me and teach me.

They are eternally in my story too.

Even the people who broke me are in there. The ones who pointed me towards things I should have run from. The people who hurt me, ignored me, backed away are all a crucial part of this story. They are in this too, even though I hate it.

This story of mine has a lot of errors. There is so much I wish I could change. So many people I wish I could erase out of it completely. This story spans a lot of time and space. A lot of back and forth. It encompasses the last few years and whatever tomorrow brings. I forget a lot of it because I'm not proud of a lot of it. But it's all there. Every last detail. Every fiber of my being has been wound up in this story.

Some days, this story is boring. It is uneventful and dishonest in nature. Other days, this story seems to be on hold. But other days, when I see myself as created, this story matters. There is so much else to it, so much else still to come.

Maybe I will work on being more honest and learn to tell my story in the next few weeks- in more than generalizations and "nutshells." I think there are 2, maybe 3 people (excluding family) who know the whole of it. Because it's hard to be honest and vulnerable. Because a lot of the time, my intensity leads to isolation. I try not to get to that point but there are days when I need to burn off energy by turning inwards. The problem lies when that inward reflection turns into some serious self scrutiny. That's bad. That's when you need community.... I digress.

So that's what I wanted to share today. For whatever reason, I have been feeling uncharacteristically chill and calm lately so I wanted to go ahead and call myself out for being too intense, too over the top, too much.

There it is, I like being the center of attention and the life of the party. I cannot hate that about myself. I can learn to channel it into a better, more constructive form of intensity.

The end.

laughing

is truly the best medicine/stress reliever/refresher/eye opener/ever.

i adore this life. it is not easy though. but it is funny.

really, the second i start taking myself too seriously or being too worried, karalee opens a door on my foot and i laugh for 2 days about it. or collin cracks me up by calling me annoying because i study too much. or my mom calls me to tell me about a family reunion. i laugh and the rest of the world fades a little bit. caroline and her cat cuddle up for a nap and i just grin because she is so great. you gotta see the humor in life or it's miserable. i'm busy already. but the opportunities i have here are unbeatable. i will never ever get to live this life just like this with just these people ever again. it is priceless. i ache for its passing already. this time is fleeting so i am grasping at every moment, running towards the joy with open arms.

and, oh, what a big smile i have been wearing. bruised foot, tired eyes, anxious mind and all. i smile because i am blessed by school, church, family, friends, sisters.

now i must go clean the battery acid off my hands.... another story for another time.

also- HEY MOLLY !! (haaa don't mention this in real life, ok?) =)