I Like The Word Reconcile

I know- I am skipping over the last 3 weeks of my life. Long story short- I moved back to college and had a good time. Now I have class and obligations and work and blah blah blah.

Moving on, I learned a new word. Now, obviously, I have heard and used the word before, being that I am not a complete idiot. I just think I am understanding it in a new light. I am more aware of what it means and looks like in life. I have been dwelling on it incessantly today. And I didn't know why. Or maybe still don't. But I know it means something.

Reconcile. Reconcilliation.

Honestly, I could not have given you a clear definition 3 days ago. So I looked it up and was taken aback.

a. to cause a person to accept or be resigned to something not desired
b. to win over to friendliness
c. to compose or settle
d. to bring into agreement or harmony
e. to reconsecrate
f. to restore

Very interesting.

I have really been wrestling with a few things lately. A lot of my worry comes from the fact that my actions don't always match my thoughts. I say things I don't mean. I go places I dislike. And it goes unnoticed too much of the time. My struggle has been to reconcile what I think I want with how things really are. A lot has been lost in that battle. Because it is more difficult than it looks. To match your walk with your talk is unbelievably challenging.

I don't reconcile well. I live a double life too much of the time. I do not integrate the aspects of my life well. I am afraid of it all falling apart when all the pieces are together. I am afraid it won't fit together like I imagined. Honestly, I'm afraid I won't fit. I don't have a lot of harmony in my life. I have a school life, a work life, a sorority life, a friends life, a roommate life, a family life, a dating life, a spiritual life. It is a constant juggling act to divide my time fairly. But, in the process, I feel as though I may have divided my heart. I have shared too much of it with some, not enough with others. I am no longer the sole owner of my heart and emotions. I gave it to the wrong things. I see it now. And I must restore this. I know where it belongs. I know who it belongs to. But taking it back is wrenching. Untangling myself from people I gave too much to seems impossible. They aren't bad people- they just aren't it. Not anymore, maybe not ever. I need to reconcile myself. I need to reconsecrate myself and my life. I know I need to. It just isn't clear how.

Is this going to break my heart?

The Realization

As I get older, my vision changes. It distorts situations. It fades memories and people. It straightens the curves I thought were permanent. Everything looks different than it used to. Even a year ago feels far away and distant. I do believe that is the oddest part about being this age. Everything is in transition, always. Nothing stays the same for too long. People go from close to far back to close to strangers in a few months. Passions burn themselves out. Lines are blurred far more often than they used to be. Circles of influence change, envelop you, protect you, then burst. It is an exciting, first time feeling all the time. Some days, I don't know how much more I can love everyone and everything before my heart just explodes. And other days, I miss familiar so much it aches. I crave certain people who are gone so much, I could just lose it all.


It is so often a painful realization that not everything is how it seems to be or how it used to be. You will, undoubtedly, love someone that doesn't love you back. You will have to block them out. You will do something really stupid and reckless. Then, you'll have to bury it deep down inside yourself because it's too unflattering to let anyone see, even the closest of friends. You will forget to breath when someone walks in. You'll fake cough your way through it. You'll fall for your best friend and look up 2 years later and wonder how it all happened. It is the longest 2 years yet you will wish you could press pause and have them close to you for one more second. You realize more about who you are at 3am than at any other point in your life. You realize how much you need others when you are surrounded by space and time. You will realize that this life is painful and that growing up is not beautiful nor glamorous.


It is all over dramatic and stretched out. It is hard and easy, careless and carefully planned. It is a demonstration in opposites and contradictions, all day. Nothing goes the way I want but if I can learn to roll with the punches, I will survive. I will thrive. I can. Smile through it- it might help. Milestones will go unnoticed. It is strange. I will sidestep around people, situations, moments that scare me. I will shuffle through the emptiness and the chaos. I will hold hands through all the best lines. I will sway with the rhythm of tradition and step off beat with newness. But, one day soon, it will be a brilliant dance that goes perfectly with the music. I just don't know the steps yet nor the song. The realization is that I don't know everything or anything about my dance. Not yet.

selfishly,

i have said too much. i have done too little. i have listened carelessly. i have gone to sleep. i have turned my head away. i have forced you out

i haven't tried. i haven't reached. i haven't told the truth. i haven't been bold. i haven't done what i know you ask of me, what i was placed here to do.

and the crazy thing is, you let me choose.

me. selfish me. reckless me. easily excited me. you let me choose how to behave, how to love, how to care. you let me choose to walk away. you knew it before it all happened. you loved me knowing how i would act.

how incredible. thank you for the continued chances. i don't deserve it but i would like to try to act as though i can earn it. thank you for the times when i haven't been right. keep humbling me. show me ways to deny myself in order to serve others. keep convicting me. keep placing certain people in my life to challenge and stretch me. i need it. keep working here for i am unworthy and dark. be light in me.



oh and blogspot, i swear if i have to sign in one more time.....don't make me come up there.

Welcome

August!

I am happy you are here. You bring change and new. You mean the end of home, of summer, of old. You are the end of something but the beginning of something else.

It is exciting to be on the brink of the new school year. Mostly, it is exciting to know what is going on with college, know what is expected of you, know where to go (and not go), know how to work the system, know who you are- there.

Tonight, as my mind wanders from to-do list to anxieties to anticipation to tiredness, I want to remember this little moment. This moment "in between." The inhale right before the real breathing begins. I want to hold onto it. I don't want to rush through the next few days and weeks. This is a precious time. I am grateful to be here now and to be there soon. It is a blessing I never thought I would see.

So, August, welcome. Maybe you will see more posts.


But....


maybe now.