Father, people disappoint. They let down and forget and err. Remind me that this world has NOTHING for me. Not a single tiny little thing. Not a moment or a picture or a trip or a grade that even comes close to healing me. Only You bring me peace. I do not understand it nor do I deserve it. But I want to be anywhere but here with You. I want to feel beautiful because I am Yours. I want to remember Your comfort. I crave to simply be in Your presence, weaknesses, inadequacies, screw ups, everything. Laid down before You. Because You pick me up from my wreck of a life and carry me away. You teach me to let go, leave, move on....

"The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied
For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands to show my love, to show my love
A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied "

STARBUCKS HAS CHRISTMAS CUPS AND PEPPERMINT MOCHAS
bring on the Holidays.


And I saw Eurydice tonight (the Sarah Ruhl version). So good. Sic Em Baylor Theater. Baylor is so quaint sometimes. Tonight was one of those nights. Cool breeze. Scarfs. Wet sidewalks. People everywhere just talking. Couples holding hands. Presh.

I got very little accomplished today off my to do list but I did get 2 extra hours of sleep this morning, caught up with a good friend, took a long shower, and watched an episode of Friday Night Lights. All that to say, I have to study now so I figured I'd blog beforehand so I wouldn't be tempted to stop studying and do it. I have a theater appreciation test tomorrow. I also need to study for my economics test which is rapidly approaching. And calculus needs my attention- it's a jealous little guy.

I also wanted to just mention quickly that I have been in continual awe and praise of my Father for His safekeeping of a sweet friend of mine. He protected her from what could have been a tragic accident and has watched over her and guided the doctors and nurses. He has provided and comforted her family, and my own. How thankful I am that He cares for His children. How very thankful....What an awesome God... I don't have anything but praise right now.

weather.com

I always check the weather after I get out of the shower in the morning because, as we all know, Texas weather can be a bit fickle. Starts out chilly, but it's hot by noon or vice versa. So this morning, same drill. Shower, weather.com, get ready.

weather.com failed me this morning. Badly.

It said 68 and clear. I checked my window to confirm and it was a bit cloudy but seemed legit. It said the high was 77 so I throw on jeans and a cream colored shirt and brown sandals. Man, was that the coldest 68 I've ever felt. It was damp outside, windy and chilly. My car said it was 56.

weather.com, why must you lie to me?

so now I am cuddled up in socks and sweatpants and my hair is a mess because I walked around in a drizzle all morning.

What a Monday. Everyone enjoy Heroes and the start of the Wedding Marathon thing on Jon and Kate plus 8 tonight !!!

happenings

I am 11 MWF classes and 7 TR classes away from Christmas. But it seems like much longer. I'm on my last round of tests before finals and some of these are make or break. Thanksgiving is also rapidly approaching. This is always the hardest part of the semester for me because social events and activites are in full swing, everyone is comfortable here, but school is at its' most demanding. Time is scarce. Sleep even more so.

I spent Friday and Saturday in College Station with friends and family. It was a lot of fun and a change of pace. I got to spend Friday doing A&M stuff as a student! I've grown up going to yell, etc but I've never been as a student. It was a lot of fun, especially getting to see old friends and where they are now! I tailgated and went to the game on Saturday with my parents. A&M fought a good fight but alas, it was ou. It was a lot of fun but for whatever reason, I get panicky and sick feeling in huge crowds and heat so I was glad to be back in sleepy Waco. I just wish I could transplant my A&M friends here for awhile.

I have a test in Theater Appreciation on Wednesday over the history of the theater and 2 tests the following week. I also am in the process of finding a job here at school cause I'm poor. And I'm reading a couple books (for my own sanity). And I got to see Kara last night! We went tortilla tossing at the suspension bridge. Classic Baylor fun. Oh Baylor....

that is pretty much all thats going on that i can think of to write about. i'm sure there's more but, i'll save it all for later.

Distance

I heard tonight that 44% of all Americans report have one or no close friends. Almost half. I also heard that 1 in every 6 college aged person admits to feeling worthless, lonely, and isolated at some point in the last year. We, as a culture, are most connected to our phones than each other. We are addicted to certain things- television, gossip, grades, music. But we're completely alone.

Myself included. More than most. I feel distance like you wouldn't believe. Not just physical miles in between (don't get me wrong, those are heavy too) but the distance between friends and community, between trust and friendliness, between God and me.

I feel so small and insignificant. Most days. Most minutes. And I get so upset when I feel like that. Cause that's not how college should be. Cause that's not how people like me feel. Cause I try really hard. Cause I have uggs and nike shorts.... And I tumble into this downward spiral of self pity that rapidly disintegrates into self loathing and jealousy. I call myself stupid and claim to suck at this life.

And when I'm at the very bottom of the grave I've dug, with tears welling up because of the crushing sense of lonliness, I realize how selfish I am. How immature. My life is not even close to being about me. How can I think that? How can the devil convince me that I deserve more than any of that? Where did this thought come from?

We are all alone in this world, unless we're together. Which is what we're called to be. Community is crucial. Living amongst others, amongst the needs we all have. Healing each other. This is a fallen world and my sense of self righteousness, of self pity comes from my wicked and depraved sense of self. I feed myself lies when I live like I am the most important person. How much greater is God than everything I am bad at? A lot. A lot a lot a lot. I need to remember that more often. That "His power is made perfect in my weakness" (second corinthians). How powerful.

I am loved beyond comprehension. I am secure in my salvation because Jesus was entirely selfless. And I am being called, not to nurse my pride but to this bleeding world. i wrote this prayer over a year ago and it is still my prayer tonight "God, you are so much bigger than my failures, my weaknesses, my struggles and my temper. I want to be yours so badly. Lead me where you want me. Place me. Use me. I keep coming up short. I don't deserve it but you continue to make up the difference. "

.....in case you wanted to know

"He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same..."


for tonight, thats it.

you- hopefully i can, someday, be deserving of you. thank you for who you are and what you stand for. you have my heart.

Things on my mind

-learning to play Stupid Boy, Keith Urban
-quantitative business analysis
-the current state of the economy (a paper, by sarah)
-silly friends
-laughing at boys
-video chatting with collin
-this weekend!!!
-getting some sleep
-twilight??
-FINDING MY SOMEWHAT LOST RING!!!
-my application to starbucks
-this crazy, test filled, important week
-losing loved ones and the aftermath
-how incredibly faithful and loving my Jesus is
-acapella music
-"break my heart for what breaks yours"


Father, show yourself to me this week. Help me to love as you love, to live as you live, to serve you. Remind me that my life really is not about me. Thank you for this life that I get to be a part of, that I get to live. I am so blessed.

I have a good life.

College parties are overrated. Good friends who make me laugh are not. Neither are funny costumes.