futures

to steal a line, I always believed in futures. But when staring one in the face, there is a certain level of excitement that I think is better classified as panic. It is one of the ironies of life that, when young, one cannot wait to grow up. Yet, upon growing up, one realizes that youth is priceless and fleeting. I am by all means still young. But old enough to know better. I am old enough to know right versus wrong. Old enough to know pessimism from realism. I know enough. I know more now. That's the point, I think. But futures can be anything. Anything. Mine is limited only to the extent that I place limitations. How daunting and exciting and tiring. Most days I just survive. I exist. I know I have incredible dreams for myself and that I have been blessed with ambition and determination and intelligence. But I limit myself and therefore I limit a boundless, miracle working God. He has plans for me. He has a future picked out. He has woven my life with the lives of others in such an intricate way that allows me to die to myself so that others see Him. He has given me a tool set and a support system. He is a God of futures. Am I bold enough? Am I faithful enough?

Quirks

I have this thing where I need NEED to watch an entire season of a tv show, every episode ever, to fully enjoy it. I can really dislike a show but finish it. Weird. And time consuming. But here is my current list of stuff to watch (either new or something I have yet to get through)

- House
- Heroes
- Gossip Girl
- Chuck
- 30 Rock
- Friends
- Scrubs



yeah. that's it for now.

I have laughed so hard the last day or two. Not sure why. I've just been in a good mood, even though there's not a lot of reasons for that. It's been hectic and stressful and tiring. But I have really enjoyed the people I'm around. I've spent too much money and not studied enough but I'm slowing realizing that this is a good life we live. I am blessed. I am being restored daily. I am noticing things that make me smile and building relationships that will carry me through. Cause ya know, all you really need are a few good friends.

Peace.

Busy week. Really busy. testsmeetingsappointmentsdecisionsquizzesstudying people.
I want to try not to be so detached from the present moment this week. I am practicing presence. I want to be here- mentally. Not running through my to do list or rushing off to my next obligation.

I also really really need a major. Not just because I have classes to register for and the opportunity to be a semester ahead. But because I crave guidance and direction. I need that to focus on in the midst of classes I don't care about. I want that. And I'm kinda afraid God is teaching me a lesson in patience and trust in Him by telling me to wait.


I am sewing a pillowcase. I am looking into building a bike. I am getting A's on tests. I am doing fine.

real quick....

What a difference a year makes. Seriously. Even six months ago, I was not this happy or confident or satisfied.

The weather has been beautiful. Thanks Hurricane Ike. It's cooled off and I think it is officially sweater weather. Kenzie moved to Arkansas with all her sweaters though, so I'm severely limited in my choices.

I failed a calculus test on Monday I think. I have to go to class today to get it back. I have only failed one test in my life. This is painful. Calculus kills me. I am so close to getting it so much of the time. My math grad student friend even helped me for a couple hours on Sunday and poor Collin takes on my math inabilities daily. I am really really gonnaa try to ace the next one. In better news, I rocked an economics test on Monday too though. I like my professor. He is a really interesting character. Super nice guy. I'm actually going to a football game watching party at his house on Saturday with the rest of my class. Funny. I know.

My roommates are incredible. I am immensely blessed. They are funny and encouraging and pretty much the best thing to come home to after a bad day.

My sister Mary is going to Abilene on her first college visist this weekend. I cannot believe she is going on college visists now. Lame to say but it really does feel like a few weeks ago I was visiting schools (Baylor, A&M, SMU, in case you wondered). I am hoping she finds somewhere that she will shine. Crazy child.

Ok, that was an update. I must get ready for class.

Psalms 68:18 "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves."

I know what you want from me

I have been struggling with obligations. I am blessed and cursed by a crushing sense of responsibility most days. I am a person who likes actions, I like crossing things off my to-do list. I step up in meetings and plan events. I make sure the details are taken care of. I feel responsible to people I speak with, to follow through on what I said. I write nothing off as unimportant. I am reliable, dependable, and dedicated.

I am also drifting between majors, hobbies, friends. I feel so responsible to everything and it does not help that I am stubborn. I don't give up on hardly anything without a fight. I get so frustrated by my weaknesses and shortcomings, by my lack of natural ability to do certain things because I haven't found my passion yet. I go for weeks without ever doing something just for me. For my sanity. Because I don't know what that something is. So, I show up early, study hard, help others, and stay afterwards to clean up everyone's mess.

I know what you want me to do, what everyone wants me to do. But this is about the plan my Father has for me. I need to silence everyone else and be still. Be still and know that God has a little path just for me. A niche I will flourish in. A place I will be challenged by. I know I am called. I know.

God- guide me. Truly guide. Lead me where you want me. It's the only place I want to be.